101 Things to Say to Distract a Vampire
by EdwardsOwnPersonalStalker
Summary: Selfexplanatory. Special guest appearances by Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp! R  R please. No flames.


**101 THINGS TO SAY TO DISTRACT A VAMPIRE**

We all know that Bella simply cut herself to distract Victoria in Eclipse, so my friends and I constructed a list of things to say that would also distract a vampire.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, why would I be writing fanfics?

[put in an author's note here and explain what this is an introduce your amazing beta!

**B/N: yo! I'm Al Al's beta! (she hates it when I call her that haha!) I'm Nat and I'm the best beta ever! **

Molecule Fight!!

I'm throwing molecules at you!!

Look! A brick wall!

Look! Blood! Go chase it!

I'm bleeding!

I'm gonna throw a book at your face!

Orlando Bloom!! -Squeal- **(B/N: OMC!!! I LOVE ORLANDO BLOOM!!!)**

Johnny Depp!! -Other Squeal- **(B/N: OMC!!! I LOVE JOHNNY DEPP!!!)**

There's a mushroom behind you!!

I'm plasma!!

Look, something shiny!!

Sing the llama song!! (See Pro)

Nat's Afro! RUN!! **(B/N: that is so insulting! well, I guess it's kinda true…)**

BUBBLES!!!!

Al the original!!

I'm having a mental breakdown!! **(A/N: If Bella actually said this, Edward would probably freak, LOL)**

Freakish Skeletal Cows!! **(B/N: ask my drama teacher)**

Let's join the black parade!!

You just got punk'd!!

CANDID CAMERA!! AUGH!!!

They got rid of cookie monster!! **(B/N: NOOOOO!!!!! I LOVE COOKIE MONSTER!!!!) **

Feathers!!!

Look! A leaf!!

Psycho monkeys from mars!!

Phantom of the opera!

Ray Ray growled/meowed at me!! **(B/N: I'm scared –hides-)**

James is back from the dead! AGAIN!

Mike/Tyler/Eric loves you!!

I'm holding a strawberry!!

Let's go hug little people!!

Chocolate fountain!! **(A/N: yummm)**

Egotistical Vampire!!

Strawberry fields!! Let's go skip like merry hyper children!!

Squishy ball of doom!! **(A/N: Zhang lao shi LOL)**

Be gentle with Orlando Bloom!! **(A/N: -nods approvingly-)**

Snapping Fight!!

Tape Recorder!!

Oh my Carlisle!! **(A/N: God created Carlisle, Carlisle created Edward ♥) (B/N: therefor, Carlisle is God! It makes sense when you think about it)**

Squeaky Voices!

Wo hen e! Wo xiang chi san ming zhi! **(A/N Translation: I'm very hungry! I want a sandwich!!)**

Can I borrow your hair?

Doo-Be-Di-Boy!

I LOVE ORLANDO BLOOM!! Sorry, Edward.

Anime People!

I'm gonna whip you with my hair!!

Victoria! Get off my couch!! **(A/N: True story. She wouldn't leave!!)**

Emmett in the 70's!! **(A/N: AUGH!!! SCARY!!!!) (B/N: SCARRED FOR LIFE!) **

We need to stop talking in Chinese…. **(A/N: HA! Yeah, right.)**

Let's go on vacation to Rio!!

GO GREEN!!!!!!

What the duck?! ♥

President Bush scares me! No! He doesn't deserve that title! Bush scares me!!

Girls can do anything boys can do and we can do it in high heels!! **(A/N: YEAH!!) (B/N: I can't! high heels are death traps! Death traps I tell you! Death traps!!!!)**

Zhang Lao Shi hen xiong!! **(A/N: Translation Ms. Zhang is very ferocious!! This is true. She is very ferocious. We talk too much in Chinese, and she yells at us everyday LOL)**

I'm really old!!

Will you just bite me already?

I wish I had some popcorn!

I'm not allowed in the young Adult Section!!

Awkward Turtle!!

Awkward Whale!! **(B/N: too awkward for words)**

I'm hungry!!

Vinegar!!

All purpose absorber!! **(A/N: Mr. Warren LOL) (A/N #2: AKA dirty T-shirt) (B/N: ya, we were doing an experiment in science and Christine made the balloon explode, so Mr. Warren gave us the "all-purpose absorber" which was a dirty t-shirt)**

Green Balloon!

It's Chuck the leaf!

Where's my arm?

Give me back my book!

Salad is healthy! Have some blood salad!!

Brain Teasers!! AUGH!!

I HATE ZAC EFRON!! **(A/N: Wanna join the Anti-Zac Efron Club? Post a Review for a link!)**

Run! It's the . . . CHEETAH GIRLS!!

Yo poppet!

Let me read my book!

Say please and thank you before you kill me!!

OMC, if you're going to kill me, at least be polite about it!!

Giant Birthday Card!!

Wo Hen Niu Nai!! **(A/N: Translation I am very milk!!)**

Oath of silence in Chinese! . . . That didn't last long

So, how's life?

Violent Sneeze!!

Nose Bleed! Nose Bleed!! **(A/N: What the duck, Ray Ray?) (B/N: that's What the Edward, to you!)**

Bu Shi! Shi! Bu Shi! Shi! Bu shi! Shi! What? **(A/N Bu Shi – is not Shi – is)**

I want to buy a star!!

P-P-P-P P-P-P-P Pingu!!! Pingu!!!

OW!!! MY LIMBS!!!

SHUT UP, I'M READING!!!

I WANT FROSTING!!

I FORGOT MY HOMEWORK!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! **(B/N: true story, it wasn't fun…)**

LOOK! A RABID CHIPMUNK!!!

I have frost bite!!

Vampire's are very viscous, Mr. Warren said so. **(A/N: It's true. We were discussing viscosity in class so me and my friend Nat asked if vampires were viscous, and he said yes lol [He thinks we're crazy) (B/N: he only thinks we're crazy because we are!)**

Couch gas!!!

Let's go to Jupiter!!

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!! **(A/N: LOL, this is so you, Nats. -cough blasphemy cough-) (B/N: I say oh my Carlisle ONE time…) (A/N: you said it again!) (B/N: shut up!)**

Ah! My cells are dying!!

Charlie fainted!!

That cloud looks like a fluffy bunny!!

HUMANS!!

Attack of the water bottles!!

100. I'm gonna hit you with my field hockey stick!! **(Christine: NOOO!!! BETRAYAL!!! I'M GONNA WRITE A BOOK!!)**

101. Orlando Bloom has a shiny head!!

**B/N: ya…we are crazy! And we're proud! REVIEW!!!! O, and if you have any questions or want an explanation of any of these, just ask in a review, or PM me or Alison, and we'll answer you, ASAP! **


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